Unraveling – Part 53
“How’s Paul?” John asked as they enjoyed early morning coffee on the patio beside the pool. “More tense moments?”
“No, only the one. It’s difficult for me to define how he is; he thinks about us, I know he does, but he doesn’t want to discuss how he feels – even in therapy he holds back. He wants me to have you, he tells me all the time he will not be the reason I don’t get what I need, and he says this emphatically, as though his life depends on his ability to see this through. Other than that, our lives have gone on as though nothing new or out of the ordinary is happening.”
“I’ve spoken to him on the phone several times in the last ten days; he’s friendly and seems relaxed. It’s important to him that we establish a friendship … there is no right or wrong here, Libby; his feelings are valid and he needs to know he isn’t losing you.”
She smiled, thankful for John’s understanding.
“Have you given any thought as to why you need to be punished?”
“Clearly you have, ” she said with a reluctant laugh.
“You are very different from any other woman I have ever known, and you accept nothing without personal understanding. You aren’t going to be completely comfortable with your sexuality, or even yourself, until you know why you are as you are, and a very big part of what you need to fully comprehend is your innate need for punishment. It’s more than just spanking, Libby, a fact of which you’ve long been aware subconsciously; this is who you are, your sexual needs are primal and they compel you, their intensity frightens you and that fear has been foundational for choices you’ve made … for so long you believed *you* controlled *it* but hasn’t it always controlled you?”
She couldn’t speak, couldn’t find the words; tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at John in dawning understanding – yet still she could not speak …
“You know this, so I’m going to say it: You are a masochist.”
Frantically her mind searched for all the reasons this truth could not be hers: she was successful, she had stable, secure, emotionally mature relationships, she didn’t seek physical pain or emotional anguish to placate, indulge or soothe her desires …
“I can’t be a maso … chi” her voice broke off in a sob as he took her into his arms …
He held her gently for a moment and then tipped her chin so she was looking into his eyes:
“I am a sadist, sweetheart. I’m not simply a Top or a Dom; I need to punish just as you need to be punished. It’s part of me, of who I am.”
“Paul said … he said … what we do is sick and perverse …” She’d not previously told John the worst of Paul’s very bad moment.
John took a deep breath, “It makes me angry to know he hurt you, but his perspective is merely ignorant – and it is shared my most people who weren’t born with the ability to understand. He was hurting and fearful of losing you when he spoke those words, it would be different if he meant them.”
“He meant them.”
Her voice was heavy now
“He’s never been more sure of anything in his life.”